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Let's... just... skip the intro and get on with the story.
"I love you Dante! We shouldn't retreat like this"
"Agreed. But... I'm in pain..."
"Suck it up and kill them! Demons are stronger than them!"
"That's the whole point Jean!"
"You can't kill humans?"
"OF COURSE I CAN!"
"Then KICK THEIR ASSES!"
Dante and Jean bickered a bit about how wimpy they are. They walked away from the warehouse and into the woods again. The rain lightened, and the thunder and lightning went away. "I love the weather..." Dante said.
"It's still raining, though..."
"Gasp. So?! I love da wayne!"
"Ugh. You seriously need to stop being wimpy and go kill those stupid humans! Nothing can beat you!"
Faint growl-like laughter bounced off the trees.
"Not funny Dante. Now seriously, NOTHING CAN KILL YOU, GODDAMMIT!"
Two sounds of scraping metal spread throughout the air.
"Dante, serously, you need to heal yourself again, and kill those haters."
Growling was coming from right next to them.
"DANTE STOP IT!"
"It's not me!"
"Then who was it?" Jean asked, a slight quiver in her voice.
"Oh, I gotta heal myself! BY THE POWER OF- of... of...uh...."
"Yes! BY THE POWER OF DANTE'S HAWTNESS, I COMMAND MYSELF TO HEAL!!" Dante said, and waved his hands over his injuries. All the blood on his skin returned to his body and the wounds closed up. "Ah, see? I'm awesome."
"But what about that thing? What growled?"
Twigs snapped behind them."
"Oh, crap! Dante! save me!"
"No duh, I will. I am hot and nothing could change that. I AM THE MOST POWERFUL THING ON THE PLANET!"
Growl-like muttering also came from behind.
"Get yo ass out here!" Dante ordered, holding his sword.
"Grrhmm, as you wish," the distorted voice said, and something pounced on Dante.
"AAH! AAH! SAVE ME!" he screamed. The sword fell out of his hands and out of his reach "F*ck! AAH! AAH! HELP ME, JEAN!"
"Fool! Suck it up and kill it! Nothing can kill you, remember? KILL IT!" Jean screamed. "KILL THE GODDAMN THING!"
Dante's clothes were being torn, and whatever the hell that thing was was scratching up his face and chest.
"KILL IT! KILL IT!! KILL IT!!!!"
"For you, my awesome love!" Dante said, and gathered his strength, throwing the monster off him. He scrambled up and picked up the sword. "DIE, HATER!" he screamed, and plunged the sword in the opening of the monster's armor. The monster let out a cry of anguish, and it died.
"See? You can kill anything you want, honey!"
"Yep. I'm epic," he said, and leaned on his sword. "I just made a corpse. I'm epic," Dante said, and he looked at the corpse. "BOOYAH!"
Then a sound similar to gurgling came from it.
"What the hell?" Dante said.
A substance similar to bloody fog rose from is, obcuring it from view. The corpse squirmed and made gurgling noises and sank into the ground.
"Holy f*ck... What the hell just happened..."
And from behind came a long blade stabbing Dante in his back.
"AAH! Hot man down! Hot man down!" Dante rolled over and saw the same monster again. "Oh, what the hell...?"
"You can't kill me, but I can easily... kill you," the monster said, and flicked the gauntlet blade.
The monster ran out into the deeper part of the woods, and stepped on Dante's face along the way.
"What was that whole thing for? Was it just to torture me?!"
"So, like, I was playing online with my buddies, and I beat each and every one of them!"
Douglas was annoyed by the fact that Brad wouldn't shut up and let him drive.
"And then yesterday, I was playing Red Dead and I was like, 'pwned!' when that one guy accidentally killed himself."
"OH! And then like a year ago, I played some Dead Space, and I like, owned every necromorph in the game, and they were like, 'Brad, don't kill me, I'm just a useless, stupid necromorph trying to kill you!' and then I was like, 'Nuh, uh, you die! I want to see your insides splattered all out in zero gravity'!"
Douglas banged his head against the wheel.
James walked over to Mandy. "How you doing?"
"Not good, Idiot. I was stabbed with a freaking burrito!"
"Well, here, let me help you."
"Well, here, take this ampoule. It's awesome."
"Hell, no! There's a needle on it!"
"Well, if there wasn't how would you administer it?"
"Get away from me!"
"I'm trying to help you!"
"GET AWAY. FROM. ME!"
"I. AM. TRYING. TO. HELP YOU!"
"No! GET AWAY!" Mandy screamed, and she tried to run away.
"Oh, no, you don't!" James said, and grabbed her legs, knocking her down.
"AAH! LET ME GO!" Mandy screamed, and kicked James in the face.
"I won't go until I have helped you!" James shouted, and stuck the needle near the stab wound, injecting the narcotic.
"OW! I HATE YOU!"
"TOO BAD! I have now helped you! Good day!" James said, and got off the floor. He turned around and noticed everyone was looking at him. "What? I helped her."
"a, b, c, d, e, f, g, e, 1, 5,654, 8765,345647567, 76587465287654815619786..."
Claudia hid in the coaster for hours, and yet Missionary had yet to get to ten. "I quit, Missionary! I hate this game! Let's do something else!"
"Good! I hate this game too!"
"Hey! Claudia! Missionary! Douglas is nearly here! Should we do something?"
"Yes, we should. But what? Set up a trap to catch him?"
"I say we should. Or maybe we can send a monster to bring him... like your father!"
"Huh. Not cool. Anyway, yeah, go send my dad. He should take down that old man pretty quickly. Okay, disperse, all of you."
Heather screamed as the thing landed on her "AAH! AAH! AAH!" It wasn't doing anything, so Heather was able to shove it off her. "Gawd, what is that?!" she said, and kicked it. "It's.. it's... a dead body?" Heather looked up on the trees, "Oh, I'm screwed." Blood dripped down on her face, and soon something else fell from the treetops. "AAH!" she screamed, and ran to another spot. This was another corpse, and this one was burned and pieces of its body were missing. "Who-who's doing that?!" Heather asked the trees.
"Grrhmm, I am," a distorted voice said, and it jumped down the the ground, and created a small tremor.
"Oh, gawd, I know who you are!"