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Charred Journal

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Feb. 10

These visions, images in my head,

Something horrid, cannot ever be said,

Fiends of despair, truths of sorrow,

Nobody's here, no light of tomorrow,

I am left here, in my hollow of insanity,

Nothing is left, under the sun-- all is vanity,

See them all for what they are, and see very carefully,

For once understood, you cannot fight mercilessly,

Survive and behold-- the truth doth rot,

But perish evermore-- the end will not be sought

~OMA

Feb. 11

Blinded by misfortune,

Holding on to tight,

Looking for missing notion,

Reality, I cannot fight,

...off much longer it seems...

Environment so cold,

Surroundings so dark,

My soul has been sold,

To- here- make my mark...


...where are you...?

I came here to find you...


All I found was home...

~OMA

Feb. 16 -- My Emotional Spawns

Clenching my fists tightly,

My fiery rage; My lustful seduction--

The one known as Rosalina,

My mercy shrunk to reduction...

Holding me tightly,

My cooling comfort; My peaceful calmness--

She who is Marianne,

Voice a flowing softness...

Keeping my head held high,

My electrifying joy; My jovial spunk--

That devious Inferna,

Keeps that frown sunk...

Running down my cheeks,

My watering depression; My poignant despair--

My secluded Sorrow,

Finds, for me, the world to never care...

Skipping ever so happily,

My flowering-self; My childish and cute ability--

One I named May,

Holds my hand to help keep my stability...

With his eyes set for knowledge,

My winded male; My growing intelligence--

Found to be known as Oliver,

Keeps new vocabulary free in independence...

Grasping my shoulders- standing from behind,

My dark insanity; My suicidal battle--

As known- by all- as Karma,

Makes the hearts of all men rattle...

Standing off on her own,

My psychic tediousness; yet powerful sloth--

Simply calls herself Mehli,

Hiding my emotions behind lackluster cloth...

Hence- now- with a booming voice,

My earthed focus; My valiant strictness--

Demands to be called Tora,

And keeps my kindness believeably fictionous...

Along- again- with a tipsy stature,

My smoked out forgetfulness; My craving addiction--

Slurrs her name- Haze,

While keeping the blunt positioned...


...my only allies here now...

...no soul to come save me...

...I can't comprehend how...

...or even why this nightmare came to be...

~OMA

Feb. 17-- A Lost Letter

I found this letter lying on the ground... it may be of some importance...

"... I’m trapped in a box with no intentions to survive. Praying…asking God why am I still alive. I go to sleep each night knowing everything I say is a lie. Knowing that is enough for me to breakdown and cry. My father taught me to be tough and conquer your fears. My mother taught me how to love and its okay to shed a couple tears. I struggle each day to survive; living my life with doubt. I’m trapped in a hole with no hopes of getting out. I’ve been tormented by the devil ever since I was a little boy. He is the puppet master and I’m his number one toy. I’ve been bullied, misunderstood, charged with guilt to my heart. Slowly but surely I’m losing my mind… And my heart and soul is falling apart. I can’t help myself no matter how hard I try. I need to find a way the clock is winding down to the day I die. It’s like the devil has control over me-- at least that’s how it seems. He usually gets me like Freddy Krueger… When I’m asleep in my dreams. I was raised in the church my mom said when you’re in trouble look for a way in the light. But I’m too lost in the world and blinded by the night. At this point in my life I am mentally unstable. But I’m going to keep my eyes on God because I know he is able. I have worn a mask all my life nobody knows or understands me. They think I have it all good… look harder and you will really see. I love you, Mom, and I’m really trying to find a way. But the only way you can help me is to continue to pray. There where times you never listened to what I had to say. That’s part of the reason I am who I am today. But I’m on the right track I’m determined to find my way. All because you said you loved me and it will be okay. I used to live each day with no hopes for tomorrow. Walking with my head down filled with shame and sorrow. There where times where I felt I was on the worlds hit list. So depressed my face looking like death ready to slit my wrists. As a man I feel for my self I have to provide. It’s enough pressure for a man to commit suicide. As I engraved death in my arm, I started to bleed. Even though God is all I want and all that I need. Stress is building up in my heart and mind. Wondering when my time is up and if I’m ready to die. I put the gun to my head and closed my eyes. I said lord take me now-- I’m ready to die. As I pulled the trigger, no bullet came out. Then I thought to myself "...aren’t I suppose to be dead now?". I opened my eyes and saw the light. A voice said, "...I love you... with all my might". If it was my mom, I don’t know why. Then they said "...I love you-- it’s not time for you to die." So as I look to the sky, I thank God for saving me. If it weren’t for him I don’t know where I would be. I know its all over my faith has been restored. I have no thoughts of death…. evil can’t touch me anymore. Now you know who I used to be-- and how I became the new me. When I was trapped in a box... But now I’m free..."

...why do I get the feeling I've heard this from somewhere...?

~OMA

Feb. 21-- Blood Ties

No one can hear, No one can see,

The desperate cries, The bloody tears,

Nothing to fear, Nothing to be,

But shaken lies, But forgotten- in years,

Just leave me be, my beloved prince!

Just leave me be, my newfound knight!

Lost comfort, known well ever since...

Silent and calming- the star-studded night...

Whom can I choose? Which seems more true?

The magic restored- early Christmas morning?

The love fufilled- Valentine's Day, never so blue?

Yet, here, the blood cometh flowing...

Trapped in my own, self-ridden nightmare,

Of mistakes I'd rather die than re-live,

Can't my prince see? Doth my knight even care?

Give everything but up-- never give...


Why haven't you found me yet?

I'm still waiting here...

~OMA

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